Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Baby Update Week 32 and Post Partum Depression

I know some of you have been wanting a pregnancy update, so here it is...
I'm happy to say I'm feeling really good and everything has been wonderfully uneventful thus far. I'm measuring exactly where I should. (This was an issue when I was carrying Goldie because she was so small.) I think chasing a 2 year old around is an excellent way to stay in shape and prepare your body for childbirth! The midwife did let me know I should be drinking more water. Duh. I spend all day obsessing over how many ounces Goldie has had to drink that I completely forget about myself.
We also discussed the emotional side of pregnancy. Specifically when you already have a child with a diagnosis. I lost something when Goldie was born. My peace of mind. Before, I assumed I would have healthy pregnancies and typical babies. Now, I am very aware of the myriad of things that could happen to change our lives. I no longer feel that "it won't happen to me" because it has. As God would have it, the midwife I saw that day also has a child with special needs. It was so nice to talk to someone who gets all these feelings. She also brought up some things I hadn't thought of. For instance, did you know some mothers in my situation have a hard time pushing. They feel as long as they are still pregnant the baby is perfect and are afraid of that changing once the baby is born.
I also asked about Post Partum Depression. I dealt with this after Goldie was born and would like to be more proactive this time. Again, she understood and suggested speaking to a psychologist before the birth and taking a childbirth class that deals with overcoming traumatic birth experiences. Not that either of think her birth was traumatic, but it certainly left me with some guilt and hurt feelings.

I don't think I've ever blogged about the PPD I had after Goldie was born. I denied it for a long time because I thought it would mean I wasn't happy with her. I also wasn't really depressed. I didn't sit around in my pajamas all the time. I did everything I was supposed to do in a day. But, I was very angry. All the time. I would yell at my kids over little things and then feel guilty, but do it all again the next day. I also had nightmares and irrational fears. There was a recurring dream that Goldie was missing and I couldn't find her. I tried some natural remedies, like taking Omega-3s. But they didn't help and some actually made the dreams worse. Finally, when Goldie was 8 months old I went to my OB and got a prescription for Zoloft. It helped tremendously and I stayed on it for 9 months and then slowly stopped weaned myself off of it.
Why am I worried that this will happen again? I had the dream again. Only it wasn't Goldie that was missing, but our new baby. It was reassuring to wake up and know that I'm still pregnant. I'm also nervous about having a typical baby. I worry that it will take me back to when Goldie was a baby and I will mourn, again, for the experiences we didn't have. Or even that I will miss the things about her that he doesn't have. I loved that chubby neck and the hugs that melt into you like butter.

I hope that all this worrying is for nothing. These thoughts may all disappear once he is here and in my arms. I imagine we will be so happy with him that there won't be any looking back.

6 comments:

Kim said...

Our second is our typical child, and I do remember having many emotions to deal with in those early days. It was strange how our typical boy was so easy to understand and bond with. Charlie was our first, so we knew no different. I felt like I had to bond all over with charlie, and I still feel like I need extra space to reconnect with him in a way that makes my heart feel secure. It is good to be prepared. Good job.

SunflowerMom said...

Good to hear things are going well with your pregnancy.

I often felt at odds after Ella was born, it seemed so different to mother her after Sean. There was a lot of adjustment to do. I had a rough time with feeling frustrated and angry and overwhelmed for months pp. I asked my OB if it was something that medication would help and she told me it was normal. I still think that I could of used some help with my emotions instead of having to wait for things to get better.

Good for you for being prepared!

Loren Stow said...

Wow - many of your thoughts are mine too! My second one is on the way, and Malakai, my first, has Ds. I don't know any other kind of parenting - only what I've experienced with Malakai. So I'm scared that I won't know what to do with a 'typical' child! LOL! Having said that, I also have dreams that my second baby also has Ds - very strange...

Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself and your thoughts - it can only be ok (that's what I always tell myself).

COOLWHIP said...

I agree, the thought of miscarriage never crossed my mind until having one between 4 and 5. The thought of birth defect never crossed my mind until I had Eva. It kind of took some of the joy out of my subsequent pregnancies. Joy and fear both took turns with #5 and 6, even after reassuring ultrasounds, i couldn't shake the what if's. But, 9 months later, everything turned out alright.

Michelle said...

I can't believe you're 32 weeks now!

A lot of what you described about your feelings and depression etc I went through. I think I just didn't want to face the fact that it was PPD and I kept thinking it was hormonal from giving birth and the Ds dx and things would get better. Joe kept encouraging me to see a dr and maybe get some meds, but I kept refusing. In hindsight that probably would have been a good thing, sigh...

anyway, praying that everything goes smoothly for you!

Beverly said...

I think everything you are feeling is normal. Keeping you and baby in my prayers and that all goes smoothly!